Balancing Health and Motherhood

My miracle drug aka liquid Bactrim has kept me out of the hospital for the last 8 months. The Bactrim slowly quit working and I was having chest pains and waking up feeling like I can't breathe ontop of the regular cough, fevers, and lack of energy and appetite I experience when I'm sick. My pft's hit 35% and I made the decision to do home IVs.

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Having a baby has been a surreal experience. I still find myself unable to believe that I'm a Mom. Throughout pregnancy I had the worst anxiety that something would go wrong. As I see more people with CF deciding to become parents I've been reflecting on my own journey. Being a Mom is extremely rewarding and getting to see this miniature version of myself is absolutely crazy. The simplest laugh or smile makes it so much easier to get out of bed and want to take care of myself so I can be there for him and help him grow.

Even though I have CF, I realized that anyone could be taken away at any time and I didn't want to rob Alex of getting to be a Dad or the world of getting to meet who our baby would become. Despite some not so nice comments and being completely absorbed in thinking about what other people thought of our decision, I considered pregnancy to be an opportunity and in a way, a miracle.

That being said, knowing that someday I'm going to have to part from my child and boyfriend absolutely rips my soul apart and knowing that I'm putting them in that position is something I struggle with. Sometimes I feel like I am less of a Mom or girlfriend based on my physical capabilities and the condition of my lungs. The physical pain and sheer exhaustion from being sick drags me down quickly. I want to do more. As a human being I would much rather focus on taking care of our baby and helping him grow rather than drowning in pills and getting hooked up to tubes. It's empowering to be my own nurse and advocate but my joy is found when I have the energy to feel like an actual person. I want to go on date nights and cook dinner, do yoga and travel the world. I want to go out with friends and follow my dreams. I just don't have the energy to do it all. Some days I don't have the energy to do anything except exist. And it's really. hard. I feel helpless on the days I have to sit back and watch other people assist in raising our child because I don't have the strength or feel good enough.

But you see,

I knew this reality.

I could sit here and cry puddles of tears, thinking about all the what ifs and the poor mes or I could wipe off my face and realize that sometimes life is hard. Then I could also realize I'm getting so caught up in all of the sad stuff that I'm completely missing out on everything good that's already happening. While it's easy to feel guilty, it's so much more beautiful to stand by and look at all the little stuff that matters like seeing my baby smile or hearing him laugh for the first time. Right now I get to watch him learn how to crawl and overcome the challenges of his brain and body connecting. I will always want to be more than my body too. Every day I look into my baby's eyes and as much as I beg for him to understand how much I love him when he looks back, my heart breaks at the thought that one day this will end. In order for any of it to make sense I have to believe that this is all worth it and this is where we're meant to be.

This is where I'm meant to be.