Manifesting A New Reality

For as long as I can remember I have had overwhelming anxiety and feared making mistakes. I lived my life walking on eggshells feeling the need to please others. About a year or so ago I suddenly couldn’t do it anymore. After witnessing my son picking up my perfectionist habits and anxiety, I realized I can’t be that person anymore. It’s not healthy, it’s not allowing me to be who I want, and it’s not getting me anywhere. I don’t want that for him, and that’s what I was teaching him. The magical thing about choices is that you either make the right choice, or you learn from your decisions and it teaches you to make the right choice in the future. After continually making the wrong choices for fear of the unknown, I decided I’m shedding those beliefs and stepping into a new reality.

If we don’t try new things, we can’t expect to grow. I realized if I didn’t let my son do any scary or difficult things, he’d begin to feel stuck in a limited mindset like me and he wouldn’t flourish. I’ve read so many parenting books and all of them suggest to let your children lead and offer a helping hand, but do not take control of their path unless they are in imminent danger. You should teach children kindly and gently out of knowledge, not fear, that is what allows them to be their authentic self, and grow to their furthest potential.

I’ve begun challenging my thought processes and past beliefs, and I’m not letting anxiety win. Doing this kind of internal and external processing is draining and it’s forcing me to be outside of my comfort zone, but it’s rewarding too. One unique challenge is that I do find myself feeling so inspired and free that I actually end up feeling even more zapped. Before, fear was the choice and I was comfortable in that decision because it’s all I knew. Now, I have freedom to choose and the ability to make decisions can be exhausting. I do struggle with not having the patience to make progress, so it’s disheartening when I wake up without any energy to keep going. Lately though, I’ve been telling myself it’s not how many times you fall off the horse, just that you keep getting back on. I refuse to end up back where I started. 

I’ve begun to try and figure out how to process my emotions in healthier ways by being an “emotions scientist” and not an “emotions judge”. One of the downfalls of my parenting so far has been showcasing healthy coping mechanisms for social emotional learning. I always try to make it a point to teach respect and kindness but having the ability to show negative emotions and regulate them is not something I ever learned. You can’t teach something you don’t know anything about, so here I am attempting to learn at thirty years old. Like most things, sometimes we have wonderful days of progress, and some days we back slide. It’s a game of Chutes & Ladders, but I am determined to get there some day and I’m happy I have the courage to make mistakes and try again.

I created this vision board so I can physically see the life I want to manifest. I have dreams of having enough money to get regular massages for my chronic pain, being physically and emotionally fit and healthy, traveling and going on adventures, spending time intentionally with my son and family in and out of nature, working on successful projects that reach a lot of people, having a place to call our own, being engaged, and going to events like concerts, movies, and comedy shows, or staying in and having board game nights with family and friends. My key words this year are intention, healing, adventure, happy, and success. This is my treasure map to get there. I’m erasing my guilt and doubts and I’m building my confidence. I’m the pilot of my own life and I’m living it the way I want to without fear of what other people think. This life is for me, I’m not going to live it to meet someone else’s expectations. I’m repeating these words to myself, until it’s the only thing I can hear. Rinse and repeat. I’m ready to start this new journey and no one can stop me. Let’s go! 🚗🙌🏻☀️

-Sara xoxo