Looking For Kleenex in Alaska

Aside from drowning in boogers and toddler drool these last few days, there’s another need for Kleenex. Alex and I have been binge-watching Looking For Alaska and although I could barely get through it initially due to the pure cheesiness I am now obsessed and fully engrossed in all that it entails, especially the philosophical and nerdy aspects of the show.

Thinking about philosophy, life, death, suffering, and all the in-betweens is something I’ve always done. Especially now that I’ve created life in another being, and now that I watched the show and Aiden is sick of course my mind got carried away to sad and strange places. Imagining your child dying is possibly the scariest thing of all time and so I understand in some aspects how my parents may have felt learning of our diagnosis. Although Aiden merely has a virus, hearing him struggle to breathe is something I couldn’t wish upon anyone as it is frightening. I have been carefully measuring his breaths and every aspect... how many, how fast, how loud, what sounds he’s making. I didn't miss this aspect of paranoia from when he was also an infant in the NICU, but here it is resurfacing.

Our latest “thing” was whispering "I love you" into each others' ears. Now, I call him Doctor Aiden as he helps prepare my medicine. He’s only 2 and one of his favorite things is to rush in and “help you”. His little voice squeaks “Mommy help you. Aiden help”, and although sometimes his idea of “helping” isn’t quite so helpful my heart swells now realizing how sweet our boy is. Just yesterday night he was lying down sick and miserable, trying his best to fall asleep but shifting every few seconds, restless and uncomfortable. I was doing a breathing treatment across the room and while he was just about asleep my treatment was done and I shut my nebulizer off. He immediately perked up from his finally comfortable position and said “mommy vest”, so interested and intrigued in what I was doing and wondering why I had stopped.

I know as a parent I always hope that someday our kid will grow to be a man who respects others with an open mind and knowledge over what’s right and wrong with the ability to make good decisions. Holding his hand all the way to the ER and calmly talking to him about the moon and the stars, letting him cling to me without fear of me getting sick but feeling blessed to be able to comfort him, hearing his little pleases and thank yous. Sharing a soggy goldfish cracker with a germ-filled toddler.

There are so many things that use to scare me and still do, but my love for him is so big that it surmounts all of that. I'm so grateful for him.

Feeling: Fascinated 😮

Goodnight,
Sara ♥